This Google Search Will Give Your Internet Herpes | by Carrie Kolar | Writers’ Blokke | Sep, 2023

How to jack up your algorithm with the Super Millionaire Influencers

Hey! Have you ever wanted to screw up your Google, Youtube, and Amazon ads so thoroughly that they will never, ever recover and you’ll be stuck watching bros flexing in front of Lambos for the rest of your natural life?

Yes, you say? My god, doesn’t everyone, you say? Silly human, why do you even bother asking the question because you already knew the answer, which was abso-fricking-lutely, you say?

Then my friend, today is your luckiest-ever day. Because you get can all that and more at the low-low price of…

Googling how to make a million dollars.

And for your next eight lifetimes, you will be smacked in the face by ads from the Super Millionaire Influencers.

They will show up on your sidebars. Your Youtube ads. Your Amazon recommendations. Probably your dreams, eventually, because we all know that one Futurama episode was definitely predicting the future.

They will show up with various levels of skeeze *cough cough ahem I mean super definitely effective marketing do you not SEE my Corvette??*. They will sound very convincing, and have at least three normal-sounding people per ad video rave about the incredible results they saw from their super-super-low-cost program, join now!

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit that in my mid-twenties, I totally bought one of these programs. I did not make a single cent off it. Now, I use it as a case study for copywriting.

*shrug* Silver linings.

But my loves, I am fascinated by these people. Fascinated!

They know your hopes (to be financially free and also physically and metaphorically flex in front of your beach house in Miami). They know your dreams (to be able to do this fast, easily, and did I mention super fast and easily). They know what you’ll pay for this dream (about a grand per program, give or take).

They see the market, they see the opportunity, and I genuinely don’t know if they’re going “yes, I will help these people and oh well, I will have to use this background/format to rope them in”…